Monday, January 16, 2006

Cam Kirkpatrick Facts

Top Ten Cam Kirkpatrick Facts

1. Cam Kirkpatrick' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

2. Cam Kirkpatrick does not sleep. He waits.

3. Cam Kirkpatrick is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

4. The chief export of Cam Kirkpatrick is pain.

5. If you can see Cam Kirkpatrick, he can see you. If you can't see Cam Kirkpatrick, you may be only seconds away from death.

6. Cam Kirkpatrick has counted to infinity. Twice.

7. Cam Kirkpatrick does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Cam Kirkpatrick goes killing.

8. Cam Kirkpatrick doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

9. Cam Kirkpatrick is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian.

10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Cam Kirkpatrick, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

Additional Cam Kirkpatrick Facts

• Crop circles are Cam Kirkpatrick' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f### down.

• Cam Kirkpatrick is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

• The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Cam Kirkpatrick out. It failed miserably.

• Cam Kirkpatrick always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

• If you ask Cam Kirkpatrick what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he farts in your face.

• Cam Kirkpatrick drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

• When Cam Kirkpatrick sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Cam Kirkpatrick has not had to pay taxes, ever.

• Who let the dogs out? Cam Kirkpatrick let the dogs out... and then farted on them.

• Cam Kirkpatrick invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

• Cam Kirkpatrick can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Cam Kirkpatrick allows to live.

• Cam Kirkpatrick once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

• In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Cam Kirkpatrick.

• Cam Kirkpatrick is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

• Police label anyone smelling Cam Kirkpatrick’s farts as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

• Cam Kirkpatrick doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse farts near the cows and the butter comes straight out.

• The quickest way to a man's heart is with Cam Kirkpatrick' fist.

• A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Cam Kirkpatrick and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

• Cam Kirkpatrick will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

• Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Cam Kirkpatrick jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

• Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Cam Kirkpatrick once and he will mess you up.

• The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Cam Kirkpatrick played in second grade.

• Cam Kirkpatrick once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

• Cam Kirkpatrick once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Cam Kirkpatrick re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

• Cam Kirkpatrick has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

• Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Camtatorship.

• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Cam Kirkpatrick once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

• Simply by pulling on both ends, Cam Kirkpatrick can stretch diamonds back into coal.

• Cam Kirkpatrick is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Cam Kirkpatrick.

• Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Cam Kirkpatrick's warm-up exercises.

• Cam Kirkpatrick is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

• Cam Kirkpatrick can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.

• In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Cam Kirkpatrick turned that wine into beer.

• Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Cam Kirkpatrick.

• Cam Kirkpatrick discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Cam Kirkpatrick is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Cam Kirkpatrick farted in Einstein's face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

• In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Cam Kirkpatrick could use to kill you, including the room itself.

• Cam Kirkpatrick does not teabag the ladies. He potato sacks them.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ass kissers. Late night at the shop eh?

mtb05grl said...

that's awesome.

Anonymous said...

Cam my be cool and all but did you know that I helped Warren G. and Nate Dog regulate?

Anonymous said...

Cam my be cool and all but did you know that I helped Warren G. and Nate Dog regulate?

Jeff Kerkove said...

That's good stuff

Anonymous said...

You guys missed the most obvious comments, the Dude wears a pocket protector and carries a t-square. He is late 30's single and extremly neat. need I say more?

NOONER said...

Did you guys seriously go through all the chuck norris ones and do this? or did some website do it for you?

DQ said...

Duh Nooner, if you didn't use a mac you'd have a "replace" feature in MS Word where you can change any word into another. Chuck Norris into Cam Kirkpatrick for example.

ba-zing said...

Cam sounds cool

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