Wednesday, September 07, 2005

IMBCS #6 – Hairy and the Dude with the Man Boobs by Cam Kirkpatrick

I came to Camp Ingawanis with two things on my mind. To redeem myself from my lackluster performance at Sugarbottom and to bag my first win at Camp Ingawanis. I’ve done all of the races at Ingawanis and had yet to pull off a win there. I knew that my chances were a little better for winning because the Eppenator was racing in Wisconsin that weekend. My hope was that everybody else that beat me at Sugarbottom would show up.
I arrived at Camp Ingawanis with about two hours to spare. I said hi to everyone, then hopped on the bike and went for a pre-ride with Petey Basso. The course was in the best condition that I have ever seen. Some of the newer sections from the previous race had worn in nicely. Throughout the ride I could tell that my legs were good and that I was going to have a good race.
As we were lining up for the start I took a look around to see what the competition would be. Nathan Moenck, who had beaten me at Sugarbottom, and Caleb Bonnett were both there and would be the two to look out for. After the playing of the National Anthem, the gun went off and we charged onto the course. Caleb took off like a scalded dog and set a very fast early pace that dropped everyone but me by the time we hit the first water crossing.
I was feeling really good despite the fast pace and my plan was to pass Caleb at the first opportunity which was a small open field, right before the first big climb. We got to the field and were greeted by several horse back riders. We screeched to a halt and the people on the horses gave us this look like ‘what the hell are you doing here?’. The rest of the field caught up to us while we were waiting for the horses to clear out, as they did not appear to be in any hurry to get out of the way. Once they cleared out we continued on in the same order as when we arrived, so my plan to pass Caleb in the field went down the crapper.
We got to the first big climb and we were all still together in the same order. The trail was wide enough to pass so I punched it and accelerated past Caleb. I had established a pretty decent gap by the top of the climb so I kept the pressure on hoping to demoralize anyone who thought they might have a chance to win. Once the gap was big enough that I couldn’t see anybody behind, I settled into a comfortable pace.
About midway through the first lap, I was flying through an open, grassy field. About midway through the field, there was a line of railroad ties that ran across the course. As I bunny hopped over them my back tire slammed into them. Apparently I was still somewhat cross eyed from my acceleration up the first climb because I mistimed my hop and jumped a little too early. I didn’t think much of it and continued on. Fast forward to the following weekend, I’m cleaning my bike and notice a huge dent in my rear rim. The dent is so large that it actually formed a crack on my braking surface. I pretty much had ridden the entire race with my wheel like that. I must have been crapping out some four leaf covers that morning because I couldn’t believe that I didn’t pinch flat.
I was able to maintain my gap for the remainder of the race and hold on for the win. Nathan Moenck rode a very strong race on his rigid single speed and finished in second, about two minutes back. I could see him occasionally on parts of the course, I knew that he was close and that forced me to push the pace occasionally. Caleb Bonnett came in third place about six minutes behind. A big atta boy goes out to Fig Nooner for nailing down fourth place in a pretty tough field of riders. That’s a pretty impressive result for a man (boy?) with big enough breasts that he can breast feed himself. This raises an interesting question, why does he bother to carry water bottles?
A couple of other side notes / observations:
Props go out to my Bro Petey for finishing fifth in the sport race despite double flatting.
Has anybody noticed the size of the pelt that Jeremy Venable has on his melon? I laugh at him whenever I see him anymore because he looks like he’s wearing a coon skin hat. His nickname is Hairy.
WWJ (aka ‘Sky’ Chesterman) seems to be reverting back to his old ways, sort of. I haven’t heard of any recent ‘wrong / missed turns’ on road trips. However, the mechanical woes seem to be making another appearance. Do they make solid rubber tires for bikes?
Dennis Grelk came rolling in on his ‘Franken-bike’. This thing had more funky looking gadgets on it than James Bonds’ Lotus. I tried to pick it up, but as I began to hoist it off of the ground I could tell that I was on the ragged edge of throwing my back out. So I put it down.

Next up is the 24 Hours of Seven Oaks where I’ll be teaming up with Chia Chad, Squirrel and Jason Alread for the 4-man team race. We will be looking to defend our home turf and bring home the win. Stay tuned and thanks for reading.

I’m out,

Napoleon Cosmo

1 comment:

Snake said...

Great job, again, Cambo! You rock, and your hairy and man-breasted friends sound like a wonderful bunch!
-Pedro (Snakelby)